Control Freak

[Less than one month after my animated tenure under Chris V's tent ended, I couldn't resist writing this message. Now you can get an insider's look at the one I first dubbed "Muppetto."]

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A control freak to say the least, Chris V has reemphasized the sacredness of having your own apartment. I knew long before entering his domain their would be doubts, verbal banter and even skirmishes. But the frequency and audacity of the various incidents have left me astounded.

It's hard knowing where to begin when you live with such a moody grunt who screeches and flails his body in protest during nearly every exchange. "What!? WHAT!!?" he says, in a highly pitched and raspy voice while his shoulders and neck twitch forward.

On one occasion the spazz deemed it necessary to ration toilet paper when a couple days earlier the issue could have been avoided by simply capitalizing on a "buy one, get one free" deal. Apparently however, the rolls were "not soft enough."

Apart from the TP incident, there have been plenty others (all worthy of individual posts):

*His pulsating nostrils when trying to hold back a gargling laugh. I truly thought the kid was going to suffocate.
*The toe nail on the carpet, then in the drink incident.
*His stubbles of hair left scattered around the sink.
*His request to flick a booger.
*Grocery shopping at 7-11.
*The soap-opera drama which ensued after I borrowed his newly purchased draft kit for fantasy bball.
*His perpetual 'birdie-flicks' before bed - seems to be his way of saying goodnight.
*The notorious power cord and its lack of movement.

But perhaps my most memorable moment while living under Chris V's roof will be his notorious "ice cream finger." The man had just opened his new carton of chocolate chip mocha when he decided to take a swipe at the dessert and lick his finger. Upon removing his it from his mouth, there was a bit of lingering treat. Instead of licking his finger clean or washing it off in the sink next to him, the territorial monkey - in what was surely a sign of evolutionary instinct - decided to wipe it clean using the corner of his counter top. I couldn't believe my eyes and upon calling him out, I realized the extent of his actions.

What incentive would lead a person to do such a thing? Then it occurred to me. These were the ways of Chris V's jungle. Where principle is all but eliminated and the only law is a moody "my house, my law." Cartoonish times to say the least.